Personal conflict is a lesson we have been taught to avoid
“Don’t argue with me, you’re not allowed to.”
“Be quiet, you’re making a fuss!”
“Don’t question me, I know better.”
“That’s silly, do it my way.”
In some way or another we have almost all been told the aforementioned statements by someone. In some way or another we have almost said or thought the aforementioned statements when interacting with someone. So, what is the common theme here? Each of these statements is an attempt to disarm a human from creating conflict. Conflict being a fundamental disagreement with what has been done or said between two or more individuals . But, disagreement is as fundamental to human evolution as conflict is to performing better.
There is immense power in being understood
Our experience of others is complex, individual and dynamic. In many cases, problems that we experience are resolved by merely being understood by another human. To feel understood by someone else is a form of mutual agreement. Understanding between two individuals is the absence of conflict and a commitment to a shared truth. Think about the very nature of having a personal problem… when alone it can be torturous. But to with meet someone who is able to relate to our issue and we no longer feel as though the issue is nearly as difficult as it once was - but nothing has actually changed, no physical progress has been made towards resolving the issue. And yet, we find ourselves much more accepting or free of the issue that once possessed us. Isn’t it incredible that merely sharing a problem that we are experiencing with someone else can improve our ability to feel better? So what does this mean? Well, perhaps a shared experience of reality such as a commitment to an agreed truth is much less difficult than experiencing that same truth on our own. Moreso, perhaps we are much more powerful when we have a shared experience of reality than a solo experience of reality. Surely this is a major reason why we are drawn to connect with others - we can be more powerful in numbers that agree.
If a shared experience is so powerful why do we put so much effort into disagreeing with each other?
Well, firstly… I will bet that any one of the four statements at the beginning of this article was said to you repeatedly while you were in your childhood and adolescent years, whether it be at school, at home, or anywhere else. So, the idea of avoiding or suppressing anyone that unsettles or disagrees with us in this way is learned unconsciously from such a young age. I will write more about this in the future, but in many cases our current identity contains many lessons we have learned in our early years. A large part of our life is steered by what we learned in our younger years. Unfortunately, not all of these lessons serve us well in later life. Fortunately, it’s extremely liberating to learn of these lessons and most of us can find a way to make them work to our advantage for the best part. This is the basis of personal growth.
Defining personal conflict
A personal conflict can happen between two people when either person disagrees with the other because they believe that they are viewed in a way that is not true. Personal conflict can be very subtle in professional and team circumstances but is typically experienced in the form of unsettling feelings against the other human for many or unknown reasons. Whenever we find ourself unsettled by someone else, it’s worth asking ourselves the following questions to check whether we are in personal conflict with them.
Does the person that you find unsettling make you feel any less unique?
Does the person that you find unsettling make you feel any less significant?
Does the person that you are disagreeing with make you feel any less: powerful, successful, strong or in control?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then don’t worry - you are in a “personal conflict” and you’re certainly human. Please read below for some strategic thoughts on this matter! If you answered no to any of these questions, then you may have taking note of the specific language I used in the questions “Does the person… make you feel…”. The thing is, other people don’t make us feel less unique or less significant, powerful, successful, strong or less in control. We make ourselves feel whatever we feel and we associate that feeling with the other person. Every human has the ability to change what feeling they associate and therefore experience around another human. To do this we need to understand what, when and why this feeling has arisen within us when we interact with this conflicting person and how this feeling no matter how unsettling can be useful.
Disagreement drives change and change is an opportunity for growth
The next time you experience a personal conflict, bring this person to the front of your mind for several minutes and I’d like you to trial the following exercise.
Keep in mind that there is infinite more power, fulfilment and sense of freedom that can be achieved by finding agreement with someone else, especially when that agreement forms after personal conflict.
In as few words as possible what does this person want from you or what do they want you to do? It’s important to be as clear on this as possible. In some cases of personal conflict, what we are being requested to do shines a light on a weakness we possess but we are not ready to work on or we want to work on it in our own terms not by request of someone else. If they don’t want you to do anything but they have simply unsettled you then skip this step. Either way, the following steps are designed to help you regain personal control in this unsettling situation.
What is the main unsettling feeling that you experience when interacting with this individual? Describe this in as few words as possible.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how unsettling is this feeling, 1 being minor and 10 being extremely unsettling.
Notice that experiencing this unsettling feeling does not change who you are but does change how you feel.
Is there anything you have to personally lose by letting this feeling influence you?
Is continuing to experience this feeling worth it and why?
Is there anything you have to personally gain by finding a mutual agreement with this individual?
Is finding a mutual agreement worth it and why?
What agreement could you make with yourself so that you have a less unsettling, more productive and personally rewarding experience around this individual? Commit to this agreement for your next interaction.
Final words…
There’s so much more to unpack when it comes to dealing with personal conflict. However, the main message here is that we all need to recognize the power in conflict. The moment we stop trying to understand the experience of others is the moment we fail to recognize that we need others to unleash our own greatness. The next time you identify that you are in personal conflict with someone I urge you to pause and think for an extra honest second and work through the reflective questions and comments in this article. I hope you find this as helpful as my clients do.
